{"id":599,"date":"2021-08-03T11:53:55","date_gmt":"2021-08-03T11:53:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/localhost\/?p=599"},"modified":"2021-10-07T08:54:57","modified_gmt":"2021-10-07T08:54:57","slug":"new-zealand-navy-disarms-all-ships-apologises-for-being-offensive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/new-zealand-navy-disarms-all-ships-apologises-for-being-offensive\/","title":{"rendered":"New Zealand Navy disarms all ships, apologises for being offensive"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Devonport, New Zealand –<\/strong> The New Zealand Navy apologised today after realising that it’s offensive weapons capability was, well, offensive. Rear Admiral of the Navy, Harry Bottom, released a statement apologising for the Navy’s past offences:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“In light of my desire to ensure renewal as head of the Navy by the minister of defence, the Honourable Warren Peace, I have accepted that there is no place in the New Zealand armed forces for causing offence. To this end, I have committed to removing all offensive capabilities of the New Zealand Navy.<\/em> Fortunately this disarmament won’t be difficult, as under my stewardship the Royal New Zealand Navy’s fleet is already almost entirely comprised of unarmed support ships.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I sincerely apologise on behalf of the Royal New Zealand Navy for any offence we’ve caused as a result of any armaments our ships have carried and offensive actions we’ve taken. From now on I will personally ensure that the Navy’s ability to project aggression is permanently neutered.”<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The Navy’s two frigates, the “Te Kaha” (The Fighting Prowess) and “Te Mana” (The Authority), will be renamed “Te Mataku” (The Afraid) and “Te Ngoikore” (The Weak).<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The Navy’s primarily offensive weapons capability comprising of 12 Enfield Rifles, 6 muskets and a several strongly worded letters have been removed. Proceeds of the sale of the Navy’s armament to a local antiques dealer will be used to buy rainbow coloured paint, which will be used to ensure the Navy is recognised around the world for it’s non-offensive projection of inclusivity, equity and the feeling of “warm fuzzies” to all those who encounter it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China’s Navy, the People’s Liberation Army Navy, has welcomed the move and immediately demonstrated their commitment to ensuring New Zealand’s status as a vassal state<\/s> safety and security by setting up military bases<\/s> research facilities in the outlying Chatham and Steward Islands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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It has been reported that China’s People’s Liberation Army Navy is in negotiations for a 999 year lease of Auckland’s Devonport Naval base in exchange for an inventory of rubber ducks, which the New Zealand Navy will use to make water safety training more enjoyable for new recruits.<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Devonport, New Zealand – The New Zealand Navy apologised today after realising that it’s offensive weapons capability was, well, offensive. Rear Admiral of the Navy, Harry Bottom, released a statement apologising for the Navy’s past offences: “In light of my desire to ensure renewal as head of the Navy by the minister of defence, the…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":600,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"twitterCardType":"","cardImageID":0,"cardImage":"","cardTitle":"","cardDesc":"","cardImageAlt":"","cardPlayer":"","cardPlayerWidth":0,"cardPlayerHeight":0,"cardPlayerStream":"","cardPlayerCodec":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[12,9,25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-599","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humour","category-new-zealand","category-oceania"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/599"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=599"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/599\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":611,"href":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/599\/revisions\/611"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/600"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=599"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=599"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/foxthink.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=599"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}