Citizens of the world appeared from their dimly lit basements today, after Facebook suffered an outage to services, leaving everyone confused and completely severed from the ability to interact with their “friends”. The army of grossly overweight, pasty-white sloth-like people, having never experienced direct sunlight, had to divert their eyes as they emerged into the real world. Many just stood at their front door, dumbfounded and shocked, unable to work out how to interact with reality.
One reluctant Facebook-addict was obviously impressed with the real world, “it’s so weird, like a really high-resolution virtual reality headset, the graphics are next-level! Also the sound, it’s so realistic!“
Unfortunately, life in the real-world led to confusion by many. Once perplexed Facebook user explained “I have found out I have an elderly ‘real-world’ neighbour who has an amazing flower garden, I mean I could actually reach out and touch it, it’s so real. But I’m confused, how do I share it with my friends? Also there’s no like button, how are people going to know I like something? And what if I want to befriend her?! There’s no button for that either! I really don’t like the real world.”
A prominent expert on social-media shut-ins advised, “it’s going to take time for these people to acclimatise to the real world, we recommend they limit their exposure to a few minutes a day so as not to overstimulate their senses. Most of these people are reliant on a steady stream of endorphins that Facebook is designed to give them, something that they will now be entirely lacking.”
“There is other alternative social media like Gab, which can can be used to supplement these peoples’ addiction, however this comes with downsides as these alternative platforms are the mainstay of Donald Trump, the alt-right and anti-vaxers, so those who are used to the sharing posts on kittens and baking need to tread carefully.”
Politicians and powerful corporations, shocked at the ease of people in the real-world to say and do as they please, are insisting that reality should not give people a voice lest they spread ‘untruths’. One powerful political figure denounced real-world freedoms, “we need to de-platform these people from reality, I want them out! It’s time to regulate who exists in reality and who should be eliminated!”
