Kabul, Afghanistan. August 28th 2020 – President Biden announced today that the US Air Force will fly sorties to provide air cover for ISIS, the Taliban and Afghan Army against ISIS, the Taliban and Afghan Army. The President confirmed to the press “We all know that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so too is the terrorist of my terrorist my friend. It works out much better if we can just do the bombing and let someone else carry out the messy ground war, just like we did in Syria and Libya. So long as the bodies on the ground aren’t ours.”
“Our intelligence is telling us that everyone in Afghanistan is at war with everyone, including us – the Afghan National Army are full of terrorists, ISIS is a terrorist group, the Taliban are terrorists. We really have no option but to start flying bombing missions against ISIS in support of the Taliban, against the Taliban in support of the Afghan National Army and against the Afghan National Army in support of ISIS, who are our common enemy against Afghan Army radicals. Basically, we’re just going to send in every bomber we have and bomb the living f*!k out of anything that moves in that godforsaken country. Given our embarrassingly messy withdrawal, I’m happy to see Afghanistan wiped off the face of the earth.”
President Biden also confirmed that the situation on the ground in Afghanistan was very volatile “it’s a bit like overheating an egg and watching it explode in the microwave, it’s really hard to unexplode the egg once that happens, there are bits everywhere, you just need to get yourself a new egg. Bombing Afghanistan will give us that new egg and lay the foundations for lasting peace, you know, once everybody is dead.”
When asked about the fate of stranded Americans, who would be sitting ducks for the bombing, the President was optimistic “Americans have a fighting chance, I mean we left plenty of equipment there all over the place, and most Americans know how to shoot a gun, so they should be able to pick up an M27 infantry rifle, a Humvee, or maybe even a Howitzer and shoot their way out, just like everyone else.”
The Biden administration has not confirmed how long the operation will take to complete, but confirmed that the expect it will become Trumps problem in 2024.
