Kabul, Afghanistan. August 14th 2021 – The Taliban’s advance has come to a grinding halt at the gates of Kabul amid rumours of shortages of virgins for their fighters. For two decades, since the USA and allies entered Afghanistan, the Taliban has promised their fighters a generous benefits package in lieu of an actual salary. The big-ticket benefit young fighters have been promised is 72 Virgins even if they don’t die a martyr, a promise that the Taliban insisted they’d be able to fulfil, and had resulted in their numbers swelling from tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands.
A Taliban spokesman blamed the lack of virgin on the immoral American influence on the women of Kabul, leaving the city with barely a virgin, “nightclubs, prostitution, billboards with half-naked women, it’s revolting and unislamic!”
Returned American marines have confirmed the extreme virgin shortage is a problem they’ve experienced first hand “when we first invaded in 2001, there were plenty of virgins, but in addition to taking care of insurgents, we’ve also taken care of the Afghan women, if you know what I mean! Honestly if it wasn’t for the women, I doubt any of us would have returned for a second and third tour of duty! Just don’t tell my wife back home!”
Taliban fighters are reportedly frustrated at the lack of virgins in Kabul, “this is the final straw, I mean, if we’re not going to get virgins, what’s the point in fighting on? The only option is to get shot and die a Martyr, but no matter what we do we can’t find anyone in the Afghan military who is willing to shoot back at us. I tell you, Kabul is full of immoral women and weak men who aren’t willing to fight.”
The Taliban have said it will take decades to unwind the damage done by the Americans, but as always, the one thing the Taliban do have, is time.
