Sydney, Australia – The Taliban has called on the Australian government to respect the democratic rights of Australians, nearly all of whom are perpetually confined to their homes under COVID home-detention edicts. Zabiullah Mujahid, the spokesman of the Afghan government, said “the Australian government has removed virtually all rights of Australians, we hereby call on Australia to respect basic democratic rights of their citizens. The Morrison government has seen virtually all Australians stripped of their most basic democratic rights, and quite frankly, are making us look bad.”
“Even in Afghanistan we let people out of their homes, well not women, but in Australia nobody is allowed out. The relative freedom of the Afghan people is making us look week and democratic by comparison, which is going to make it really hard for us to impose strict Sharia law. It’s gotten so bad that Australians are now refusing to board evacuation flights! We’re really worried there is going to be an influx of Australian refugees if this continues.”
The Australian Federal Police and Military, both of whom are enforcing Australia’s strict lockdown laws, have offered to provide the Taliban support “we’re prepared to offer the Taliban training on how to mercilessly suppress the population. The first step is to fine anyone who dares step out of their homes more than they earn in a year, but don’t stop there! The Taliban have so much military hardware that the US left behind, don’t waste bullets shooting guns in the air, shoot protestors! We find trampling or running over protestors in combination with a few ten-on-one beatings has worked wonders in chocking any notion of freedom from the population. We suggest the Taliban should be able to enact just about any law they want with the right enforcement – just look at what we’ve gotten away with in Australia!”
Half of Australian adults have signed a change.org petition calling on the Taliban to liberate Australia. One Australian protestors was quoted as saying “we can’t wait for a life of freedom under the Taliban. Not only will we be able to leave our homes again, but we’ll also be able to get our hands on guns again – a right we gave up in the 90’s.”
