Texas, USA. May 10th 2021 – The world’s rich and powerful have confirmed that it is obviously the rest of us and not them who must reduce carbon emissions to save the planet.
Hot on the heels of another successful jaunt into space, one excessively rich billionaire explained “we the 1% of wealthiest people in the world contribute only 49% of emissions, however it’s the other 99% of you who contribute the other 51% of carbon emissions. It’s obvious therefore that any effort we make to stop flying our private jets or launching ourselves into space, while being a carbon intensive frivolity, creates the minority of impact to the client.”
“Our ridiculous wealth is aspirational for the rest of you, an important dream that, while not achievable, gives the masses hope. We would be letting down humanity to tone down our lifestyles. As your intellectual superiors, we need to travel to observe the world we’re leading. We are the captain of the Titanic, while the rest of you are like the soot-covered workers shovelling coal in the boiler room, you have no need to see the world, what you need to do is to keep shovelling coal. Hang on, maybe shovelling coal on the Titanic isn’t the best metaphor to use, but you get my point, you shovel, we look out for icebergs and steer the course of humanity.”
To distinguish the good emissions of the global elites from the bad emissions of everyone else, the terminology of “green emissions” and “dirty emissions” will be used. Obviously the “dirty emissions” are those created by the rest of us in our unimportant lives, while those of the mega-rich and powerful are “green emissions”. To curb “dirty emissions”, the World Economic Forum has proposed that the rest of us take the following steps:
- Eliminate all unnecessary leisure activities such as driving and flying.
- Relocation of workers to on-premises accommodation to eliminate the carbon footprint caused by unnecessary commuting.
- Permanent relocation of children to government run facilities to ensure climate education is standardised, children protected from religious indoctrination, and the climate impact of children themselves, such as commuting to school, is mostly eliminated.
- Implementation of a one-child policy, as kids are responsible for a large amount of carbon over their lives.
- Allow and strongly encourage voluntary euthanasia of the workforce who are passed their use-by date of approximately 45 years old.
- Let got of our materialistic lives, which should be reserved only for the super-rich, and embrace the World Economic Forums “own nothing and be happy” vision.
While the above are currently voluntary recommendations, like COVID19 vaccination, the intention is that these will become mandatory measures to keep the planet safe for everyone.
A positive step we can all make immediately is to breath less often, so there is more oxygen for those that matter.
