The government has today updated the definition of “poverty” to be anyone with a household income of less than one-dollar a day, resulting in the nearly everyone who was poor being pull out of poverty and into the middle-class with a stroke of a pen. Government officials explained the basis for their decision “if one…
Citizens of the world appeared from their dimly lit basements today, after Facebook suffered an outage to services, leaving everyone confused and completely severed from the ability to interact with their “friends”. The army of grossly overweight, pasty-white sloth-like people, having never experienced direct sunlight, had to divert their eyes as they emerged into the…
Sydney, Australia – The safely subjugated and imprisoned population of the state of New South Wales are mourning the shock resignation of the State Premier, the architect of Sydney’s police state. News of the resignation due to a corruption inquiry came as a complete shock, as many had assumed the Premier was entirely above the…
Beijing, China – Chinese authorities have denied that the country is experiencing widespread power outages, instead claiming that there is no problem, they just can’t find the light switch. “Somebody turned off the lights in our most populous cities, it’s just we’re having trouble finding the light switch in the dark” said one official, although…
Beijing China – China state media is reporting that the nation’s all-round nice guy “Chairman of everything”, Xi Jinping, will be taking time off from genocide, subjugation and the seizing of territory from neighbouring nations, to star as “Pooh” in the upcoming Winnie the Pooh movie. Such a move has come as a surprise to…
Melbourne, Australia – The Melbourne Police have hung the dead bodies of several protestors at the city’s Shrine of Remembrance war memorial as a warning to others who would consider joining the widespread protests that have gripped the city. The chief of police admitted to the press “we saw the Taliban hanging dead bodies and…
The government has today announced today that those receiving the COVID-19 vaccine will now receive a permanent IV line to make booster shots and the application of other government mandated drugs nearly effortless. The Chief Medical Advisor to the Government explained: “given the need for frequent booster shots at ever decreasing intervals, we’ve decided that…
Melbourne, Australia – Police have denounced the violent undertone of protestors’ excessive peacefulness during this weeks freedom rallies in Melbourne. The chief of police gave a scalding rebuke of the hate-filled ultra-right-wing peaceful assembly, “what is wrong with these protestors and their excessive peacefulness?! We spray them with pepper-spray, they do nothing. We shoot them…
Devonport, New Zealand – After decades of planning by the most brilliant minds that the New Zealand Armed Forces can muster, the Navy has committed to replacing the country’s two Anzac class vessels with ten heavily armed frigates. The Minister of Defence explained “with the same money, we could have afforded one conventional frigate from…
Melbourne, Australia – Tired of the escalating demonstrations on the streets of Melbourne, where anti-vaccination and anti-lockdown protestors from the construction industry have continuously outsmarted the states dimwitted and generally overweight police, the Victorian state government has requested the Galactic Empire to deploy Storm Troopers onto the streets of the state capital. The chief of…
