Auckland, New Zealand. September 3rd, 2021 – The New Zealand government has expressed their gratitude to ISIS for a significant jump in the polls as a result of the terrorist attack in Auckland today. A government spokesman said “Allah be praised! We were really tanking in the polls, almost as bad as US President Biden, which you’ve got to admin is pretty awful. Fortune smiled on us and we were graced with another terrorist attack!”
The New Zealand government has worked tirelessly to ensure that as many terrorists and potential terrorists as possible are given residency to ensure that there are a steady stream of attacks.
“You’ve got to follow the science, a would-be terrorist has only a one percent chance of following through with an attack, so we ensure that New Zealand imports hundreds of these guys. We find men are better than women, they’re far more likely to actually see through their attacks. We really don’t care whether they’re Australian white supremacists, like that mosque shooter, or Sri Lankan Tamil Muslims, as was the case today; once they kill a few helpless New Zealanders, the public really start to rally around the government.”
“We were really lucky with this latest attack, I mean in 2017 this guy tried to leave the country, but we detained him and made sure he remained free in the community – we knew our patience would eventually pay off, as it did today.”
Ensuring New Zealanders are completely unarmed and thus defenceless has been key to the government’s success. Polling indicates that a member of the public shooting a terrorist rather than the police would work against the governments popularity. The government commented “the last thing we need is some kind of public do-gooder prematurely ending a perfectly good terrorist attack – not to mention the years of work that we put into supporting these guys as they plot their attacks.“
With elections two years away, the New Zealand Government is hoping for at least two more terrorist attacks in 2022 and up to four in 2023, claiming “this should ensure we retain a solid majority in the election!”
