Devonport, New Zealand – After decades of planning by the most brilliant minds that the New Zealand Armed Forces can muster, the Navy has committed to replacing the country’s two Anzac class vessels with ten heavily armed frigates.
The Minister of Defence explained “with the same money, we could have afforded one conventional frigate from the Australians, however by purchasing these museum pieces that were top-of-the line only 200 years ago, we were able to acquire ten vessels! As a bonus the ships are carbon neutral, being made of wood and propelled by wind. Repairs are also able to be undertaken entirely by New Zealand’s industry of wood carvers, something that would have been impossible had we purchase ships that were made within the last century.”
Navy Vice Admiral Avast Mehearties explained “these here new vessels be the largest and most formidable sailing vessels ye is likely to cast eyes upon on any of the seven seas. No wooden hulled ship will dare cross our path!”
The ships are equipped with 32 canons, including several 68-pound long guns that can shoot a canon ball nearly 450 yards, which we’re told is no mean feat for a ship of this generation.
“With these menacing guns, we need only to pull along side our adversary, and provided they don’t have a metal hull, we’ll be able to board them, cut their throats and sink ’em. Huzzah!” yelled the Vice Admiral in our ear as we stood only a foot from him.
The ships are apparently equipped with stealth capabilities, being made entirely of wood and old ropes, they will not show up on conventional radar and are thus invisible to anti-ship missiles, making them well-suited to the increasingly militarised South China Sea.
