WELLINGTON, New Zealand, August 30th, 2020 – The New Zealand Government has announced 14 consecutive days of no new COVID-19 cases, just two weeks after all testing was halted. Naively speaking on the condition of anonymity, the Prime Minister said “these tests have been making us look bad for weeks! I mean, there we were leading the world as we boasted 100 days of being COVID-19 free, only for the Government be embarrassed by a positive test result by some do-gooder citizen”.
Emphasising the Government’s “science first” approach, the Prime Minister explained “there is a direct relationship between testing and COVID-19 cases being found, the more we test, the more cases we get. The science is indisputable, if we stop testing then we stop the spread of COVID-19, and can restore New Zealand’s world leading pandemic fighting reputation.”
In reaction to the lack of testing, the opposition threw a tantrum, claiming that the government is playing politics only months out from elections. The Government has responded by banning all gatherings of more than one person by people critical of the government, releasing a statement that said “if the Opposition are going to act like children, then we’ll treat them like one and give them a time out.”
When told that preventing gatherings of the Opposition may be perceived as an attack on democracy, a government spokesperson said “There is a lot of fake news out there today, so we really must insist that New Zealanders continue to get their news from Government approved media outlets and not right-wing propaganda sources such as FoxThink.com. Provided everyone refrains from expressing opinions that are contrary to those of the Government, they’re free to say whatever they want and democracy can flourish. I really think we’re being more than fair.”
