Wellington – In a master-stroke of progressive legislating, the New Zealand government has eliminated gun crime by making the purchase, sale and ownership of guns illegal.
The Prime Minister boasted “with no legal way to obtain or own guns, we’ve obviously removed all means by which criminals can acquire guns. Surely even the most hardened criminal wouldn’t risk getting a criminal record in order to obtain a gun? I’m confident this will end all gun crime in New Zealand.”
The new gun ban leaves potential murderers in a lose-lose situation; with up to one month added to New Zealand’s already arduous ten-year minimum prison sentence for murder, it’s expected all criminals will give up their life of crime.
One gang leader admitted that the extra month of prison time when planning a murder was making him think twice about his life choices. “I think that most psychopathic homicidal murders are going to reconsider a life of crime and pack it all in for a stable job and a house in the suburbs – a wife, 2.3 children and a white picket fence. I have a criminal record 100 pages long, including 4 murders, but am really worried that adding illegal gun ownership to my rap sheet will affect my employability next time I’m out on parole”
Legislators in Australia and Canada are reportedly monitoring the results of the New Zealand gun ban, with plans to role out similar legislation in their jurisdictions.
