New York, USA – The mayor of New York today launched the newly created “woke-pass”, an smartphone app designed to ensure “equity” for all residents. The woke-pass issues “woke-points” to the holder based on their level of oppression, with all businesses required to prioritise customers and patrons accordingly.
As part of the new woke-pass, the mayor’s office has released a chart which shows how woke-points are calculated based on gender identity and race:
Using provided chart above, we can see that someone who identifies as black non-binary scores the maximum points, while a straight white male scores negative “woke-points”. It goes without saying that Trump voters and gun owners are also given negative points regardless of their gender identity or race, as they’re clearly racist.
Woke-Pass Frequently Asked Questions
In order to address public confusion, we have provided several frequently asked questions below:
How will woke-points affect my ability to eat out?
Patrons with higher woke-points will be prioritised ahead of diners with lower woke-points.
What if I’m already eating my meal?
If you are already seated or eating your meal and someone with higher woke-points arrives at the venue, you will have to vacate your seat.
What if I’m white but part of a multiracial group?
All diners will need to vacate their seat for being “white adjacent”
How does this work when queueing at a supermarket, bank or other establishment?
It will be a legal requirement for you to allow those who are more “oppressed” in front of you. Failing to allow someone with higher woke-points can result in a fine and imprisonment.
If a supermarket has long queues, doesn’t that mean I’ll never get to the front of the line?
It’s your fault for your whiteness and oppression.
Are you kidding?
Of course not, did you think authorities were going to stop at vaccine passports?
What about the constitution!? Is this legal?
Of course not, but in the light of the Biden administration’s extension of the eviction moratorium in defiance of the Supreme Court, petty concerns surrounding the constitution and decisions passed by the supreme court are seen as a minor irritation.
Can’t I just say I identify as a non-binary (LGBQTI+) person-of-colour?
Of course! Now you’re getting it, you can identify as whomever you want, this is how how identify-politics works afterall. Now, off you go to the front of the queue at the local bodega – just don’t tell anyone you own a gun or voted for Trump.
