Jerusalem – In a stunning display of diplomacy, Israel have recently implemented a revolutionary approach to deal with the Hamas and Palestinians in the aftermath of the October 7th 2023 attacks on Israeli civilians. Instead of resorting to a ground incursion, missile strikes and artillery barrages, the IDF (Israel Defense Force) have chosen a path less traveled: a tit-for-tat strategy that ensures justice is served in a proportional manner.
In an exclusive interview with the Israeli Prime Minister, he explained Israel’s ingenious plan.
“Look, we’re a fair and peace loving nation,” he declared, “we’ve heard the many calls for a proportionate response , and if a proportionate response is what are asking for then that’s exactly what we’ll do.”
And thus, the Hamas Retribution for the Israeli People, or simply “Hamas RIP” was born. Israel’s PM continued:
“For every Israeli civilian that was shot, we’ll shoot a Palestinian.
For every Israeli civilian that was tortured, we’ll torture a Palestinian.
For every Israeli civilian that was kidnapped, we’ll kidnap a Palestinian.
For every Israeli child that was murdered, we’ll murder a Palestinian child”
Liberal media and Palestinian supporters have breathed a collective sigh of relief, exclaiming,“we feel comforted that the Israeli government are listening to the wishes of the world, the Hamas RIP policy is undeniably proportionate.”
While some human rights activists have raised concerns about the ethical implications of this policy, Israel remains unfazed, arguing that it’s the most balanced solution for both Israel, the Palestinians and Hamas.
In an attempt to maintain transparency, Israel has even set up a scoreboard on the government website, tallying the Israeli’s lost and the corresponding number of Palestinian casualties. The Israeli PM proudly showed off his government’s meticulous record-keeping, as if he were the referee in a bizarre, civilian-conscripted remake of Mortal Kombat.
As news of Israel’s government’s unconventional approach spreads, Israelis remain divided. Some applaud the governments meticulous creativity, while others question the sanity of waging a war of attrition against civilians.
In the end, whether this experiment human suffering will prove effective or lead to unforeseen consequences remains to be seen. But for now, Israel’s Prime Minister and his government stand tall, metaphorical guns in hand, ready to mete out proportionate retribution on Palestinian civilians wherever and whenever Hamas terrorists dare to cross the border wall. After all, in the world of middle east justice, the scales must be balanced, even if they’re balanced on the edge of absurdity.
