Washington D.C., USA. August 21st, 2021 – The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) have approved a lethal dose of cyanide as a 100% effective for COVID19. Trials of cyanide were undertaken on the January 6th “DC riot” detainees, who are responsible for storming the Capitol, with results published in prestigious medical journal “The Gulag”.
Someone wearing an impressive white lab-coat at the FDA explained that the research was double-bind, “we blindfolded all the prisoners twice, so we’re sure they couldn’t see. The insurrectionists, I mean volunteers, were then asked to take the cyanide, which we said was vitamin C. They were keen to take the ‘vitamin c’ tablets, as they’ve been developing scurvy since we have deliberately not allowed them to eat any fresh fruit or vegetables during their incarceration.”
A researcher who was present during the trials explained, “the results were were very clear cut, all participants dropped dead and stopped breathing after being administered just one dose of cyanide. We observed many had an intense feeling of suffocation, convulsing was also common, while many participants went in and out of consciousness several times before they took their final infectious breath. As breathing has been identified as the primary means by which COVID19 is spread in the air, we’re satisfied that when cyanide kills the host, it also kills the virus and prevents transmission.“
The researcher continued, “given the way these insurrectionists stormed the Capitol buildings on 6th January, it was the most satisfying research I’ve ever had the pleasure of conducting, definitely more satisfying that subjecting cute hamsters, bunny rabbits and monkeys to experimental drugs.”
The President, quick to distract the media from his administrations monumental screw-up in Afghanistan, announced that “effective immediately, as part of the federal governments door-to-door vaccination efforts, all Americans who refuse to take the vaccine or prove they are already vaccinated, will be asked, and if necessary forced, to take Cyanide. We’re confident this will see our vaccination rate hit 100% as a result. That should give you all something to talk about other than Afghanistan.”
