Wellington – In a master-stroke of progressive legislating, the New Zealand government has eliminated gun crime by making the purchase, sale and ownership of guns illegal. The Prime Minister boasted “with no legal way to obtain or own guns, we’ve obviously removed all means by which criminals can acquire guns. Surely even the most hardened…
Wellington, New Zealand – The New Zealand government is asking everyone to take selfie while they are being vaccinated as their “proof-of-vaccination”. A Ministry of Health spokesman commented “We thought about creating our own app, but by the time the bureaucracy actually managed to create an app, the pandemic would have been over. We estimated…
Auckland, New Zealand – The mild-mannered New Zealand Police have been criticised by their Aussie counterparts for the lack of violence dished out on New Zealanders protesting lock-downs recently, calling on the New Zealand authorities to ruthlessly suppress any who dare to attempt peaceful assembly in the future. “The New Zealand police are making Australia…
Devonport, New Zealand – After decades of planning by the most brilliant minds that the New Zealand Armed Forces can muster, the Navy has committed to replacing the country’s two Anzac class vessels with ten heavily armed frigates. The Minister of Defence explained “with the same money, we could have afforded one conventional frigate from…
Wellington, New Zealand. September 22sth, 2021 – New Zealanders were shocked today to learn that their prime minister is a communist. “We never put two and two together, I mean, we knew she was previously the president of the International Union Of Socialist Youth, but I never thought that meant she was an actual communist”…
Canberra, Australia. September 16th, 2021 – New Zealand was disappointed today to find out they’ve been left out of the newly forged Australia, UK, US, or “AUKUS” security pact. Sources involved in the new pact pointed out that the problem was rooted in New Zealand lacking an actual real military, making it rather difficult to…
Auckland, New Zealand. September 3rd, 2021 – The New Zealand government has expressed their gratitude to ISIS for a significant jump in the polls as a result of the terrorist attack in Auckland today. A government spokesman said “Allah be praised! We were really tanking in the polls, almost as bad as US President Biden,…
Devonport, New Zealand – The New Zealand Navy apologised today after realising that it’s offensive weapons capability was, well, offensive. Rear Admiral of the Navy, Harry Bottom, released a statement apologising for the Navy’s past offences: “In light of my desire to ensure renewal as head of the Navy by the minister of defence, the…
WELLINGTON, New Zealand, August 30th, 2020 – The New Zealand Government has announced 14 consecutive days of no new COVID-19 cases, just two weeks after all testing was halted. Naively speaking on the condition of anonymity, the Prime Minister said “these tests have been making us look bad for weeks! I mean, there we were…
The NZ Navy has commissioned the HMNZS Te Row Row, a Dinghy class vessel.
