BOSTON, Massachusetts – The pharmaceutical company behind the first US-based COVID-19 vaccine have rushed to assure the public that “deaths resulting from immunisation should be of an acceptable level”.
The vaccine is known as Vaccine for Immunisation of COVID Targetting Improved Mortality, or “VICTIM” for short, has been rushed out of the lab so fast the company barely had time to put a cork in the test tube.
A spokesperson said, “in the US there have been approximately 200,000 out of 6.3 million known infections, which is a death rate of about 3%. By comparison, our vaccine which we’ve hastily developed and rushed through trials, is predicted to have a death rate or 1%, maybe 2% tops! Now, I don’t know about you, but that’s better than the lottery and I like those odds!”
When asked about the death and success rates, the spokesperson said “death rate is such a harsh phrase, we prefer to include those that experience an end-of-life event as a result of the VICTIM vaccine as a successful outcome, I mean clearly they won’t be catching coronavirus once they’re dead, so the vaccine will have done it’s job”.
On the question of whether more than one vaccination is required to create immunity, the spokesperson said “our initial trials of a number of vaccine candidates revealed that several were able to provide lasting immunity with a single dose, however these were not seen as viable for the financial sustainability of the company. We selected VICTIM as opposed to other vaccine candidates, as it would lead to improved profitability outcomes due to the need be revaccinated every 4 months. Why sell people one vaccine when you can sell them three vaccines a year for the rest of their lives? This is a real win-win for our shareholders and executive bonuses.”
Vaccines will be available in the coming months; those wanting to be vaccinated should consult with a priest beforehand and ensure they’ve nominated someone to read the eulogy just in case the vaccine has fatal side-effects. The company stressed that “all customers are covered by our corporate guarantee – if you die within 48 hours of being vaccinated, we’ll provide a $150 voucher towards your funeral costs.”
