SYDNEY, Australia – The Australian Federal government has announced an ambitious plan to stop climate change in it’s tracks. The Prime Minister said in today’s announcement “apparently dead plants and trees in state forests can be burned by fire, I mean this is some really cutting edge science. Logically pre-emptively torching our state forests means no fires, the simplicity is brilliant!”
One journalist asked at today’s press conference why the government didn’t just remove dead wood “there is no dead wood in our party, we’re all working hard to serve the Australian public… oh you mean dead wood in the forests? Right well, apparently that’s really hard to do, so we thought f*ck it, just burn the lot. If there is nothing to burn, we’ll be safe from bush fires; just look at some of our wonderful outback, not a tree in sight for miles, but also no fires! Am I right or what? That’s rhetorical, don’t answer that!”
The Prime Minister has further explained “we realise that it’s not just the bush fires that are a problem, but also rising temperatures and sea levels. Your government is proud to announce we will be fighting global warming straight on through our direct action policy of mandating air conditioning in all homes and garden sheds across the country. Furthermore, to fight rising sea levels, we will require all beach front property be demolished and mandate owners moving inland, nobody likes those rich bastards and their beach front property anyway, so they won’t be missed. As an added bonus, once the forest has been razed, there will be so many places to build, while desertification will ensure that living in these previously forested areas will be much like living at the beach, just without having to worry about the tide coming in.”
The opposition has said they will fight government plans, confirming that while the atmosphere in Parliament is combustible, they are working hard to cool tensions.
