Auckland, New Zealand – The mild-mannered New Zealand Police have been criticised by their Aussie counterparts for the lack of violence dished out on New Zealanders protesting lock-downs recently, calling on the New Zealand authorities to ruthlessly suppress any who dare to attempt peaceful assembly in the future.
“The New Zealand police are making Australia look bad, they are clearly out to undermine the good work that the Australian police have done in ferociously suppressing protestors as we redefine the meaning of ‘Western Liberal Democracy’. This is a sad day for Trans-Tasman relations. If the New Zealand police aren’t up to the job, we’re happy to fly over and show them how it’s done – we’re always up for cracking a few skulls.“
In action that is counter to modern Australia’s democratic principles, the New Zealand Police failed to use heavily armed riot police, blunt force weapons, armoured cars, the mounted unit, and didn’t shoot a single protestor, not even with rubber bullets. This lack of violence by the New Zealand police have left many in Australia scratching their heads, wondering exactly what kind of democracy New Zealand is trying to become.
New Zealand police have hit back at criticism, pointing out that they intend on charging the organiser of the recent protest, Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki, and giving him a substantial fine. The New Zealand police have however rejected embracing their Australian counterparts’ use of police detention to deliver a fatal beating to the protest organiser while in custody. “We’re prepared to embrace violence, but we have to draw the line at causing deaths in custody, our resolve just isn’t as strong as that of the Australian police” commented the New Zealand police commissioner.
Australia have offered to send over some of their police to show the Kiwi’s (New Zealanders) how it’s done. “We’d love the opportunity to brutalise some Kiwis, it’s the next best thing to perpetrating violence against our own citizens” said Melbourne’s police chief.
New Zealand police have apologised to their Australian counterparts and promised to step up their game. “If there is any more protest action the New Zealand police will try our best to beat a few of the weaker protestors. We see from recent protest footage in Australia, that targeting the elderly and children of protestors for violent retribution is a very effective means of unleashing fear and tyranny on those practising peaceful assembly. We’ll try our best as we endeavour to replicate the authoritarianism exemplified by our Aussie counterparts.”
